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The Importance of Laughter - Clean Jokes
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elcelcpa



Joined: 19 Jun 2006
Posts: 1163

PostPosted: Mon Sep 27, 2010 7:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Company Password


During a company's recent password audit, it was found that
an employee was using the following password:


"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyTallahassee"


When asked why she had such a long password, she said
that she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long
and include at least one capital.


Idea Question Question Question
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hacseyler



Joined: 15 May 2009
Posts: 307

PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, 2010 11:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their
weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive
salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &
Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog "four letter word"!"

Then I would say,"It is dog "four letter word". Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free,
and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."
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SandiW



Joined: 30 Mar 2010
Posts: 706

PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, 2010 12:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And I thought you lived in France, Hecs!
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hacseyler



Joined: 15 May 2009
Posts: 307

PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, 2010 12:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing email a friend send to me from CANADA (ontario)
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Tasharoo



Joined: 18 Feb 2009
Posts: 452

PostPosted: Sat Oct 02, 2010 11:37 pm    Post subject: JUST A TAP Reply with quote

JUST A TAP

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.
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PCJuli



Joined: 20 Jul 2008
Posts: 502

PostPosted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 2:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Shocked
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Tasharoo



Joined: 18 Feb 2009
Posts: 452

PostPosted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 1:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

May your stuffing be tasty

May your turkey be plump,

May your potatoes and gravy

Have never a lump.

May your yams be delicious

And your pies take the prize,

And may your Thanksgiving dinner

Stay off your thighs!



HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY THANKSGIVING CANADIAN GAMERS
HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY TO OUR NEIGHBOURS
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Tasharoo



Joined: 18 Feb 2009
Posts: 452

PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 4:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

** Wedding Joke **

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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FriscoGirl



Joined: 01 Dec 2009
Posts: 1395

PostPosted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 11:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

!

Last edited by FriscoGirl on Tue Mar 29, 2011 11:26 am; edited 1 time in total
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nghtstkr



Joined: 11 Jan 2010
Posts: 247

PostPosted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 12:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two guys had been sitting at the bar, drinking for hours, when one of them falls off the bar stool and lands face down on the floor.

His friend looks down at him and says,"That's what I like about Fred, he knows when to quit"
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PETUNIA77



Joined: 18 Mar 2009
Posts: 1408

PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2011 10:40 pm    Post subject: THE IMPORTANCE OF LAUGHTER...CLEAN JOKES Reply with quote

HEY, EVERYONE...TASHAROO SENT ME A MESSAGE...HERE IT IS BELOW...
I'M POSTING THIS ON HER BEHALF.

Hi Petunia Happy New Year
Found this marvellous joke and can't get into the jokes in the forum

If you can ..would you post it for me????
~TASHAROO

THE PASTOR'S CAT


The pastor of the local church had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'
She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.
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PETUNIA77



Joined: 18 Mar 2009
Posts: 1408

PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 4:49 pm    Post subject: THE IMPORTANCE OF LAUGHTER...CLEAN JOKES... Reply with quote

MY SWEET SISTER EMAILED THESE TO ME TODAY...I HOPE YOU ENJOY!!

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.


~Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

~Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'

~Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications.

'Which one ?'. . . I asked. 'The patch...

'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!


Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

~Submitted b y Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . ..

'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

~Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the
hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your
breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

~Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she
was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . .
' Keep off the grass.'


Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

~Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!! ! .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8.. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.

I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said
'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was .. . .
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

~Dr. wouldn't submit his name...
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PCJuli



Joined: 20 Jul 2008
Posts: 502

PostPosted: Sat Jan 22, 2011 1:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that is is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.


Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:


(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
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PETUNIA77



Joined: 18 Mar 2009
Posts: 1408

PostPosted: Wed Mar 02, 2011 5:34 pm    Post subject: THE IMPORTANCE OF LAUGHTER...CLEAN JOKES Reply with quote

FROM DEAR TASHAROO WHOM ASKED ME TO POST THIS ON HER BEHALF....


JOKE FOR THE FORUM : ** Hot Air? **

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman tending to the flowers in her garden. He descended a bit more and shouted, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.' The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.' 'You must be an Accountant,' said the balloonist.'I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you know?' 'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you have delayed my journey.'The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.' 'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?''Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise of which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow it's now become my fault!'
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elcelcpa



Joined: 19 Jun 2006
Posts: 1163

PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2011 6:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why I Am now Divorced


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel
very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
he barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way
Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....


Naked.

Rolling Eyes
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