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The Importance of Laughter - Clean Jokes
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Bengal_Cat



Joined: 13 Oct 2008
Posts: 9

PostPosted: Sun Jan 10, 2010 2:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One HOT Church

One summer in a rural church, the pews were packed. As the minister began his sermon, the air conditioner quit. The room became hotter and hotter. Suddenly, lightning flashed and there next to the pulpit, stood Satan! Yes, there he was, horns, tail, hooves and the scent of brimstone.

The minister and parishioners screamed and took to their heels. Satan laughed and cackled as he watched them tumble over each other in their efforts to get away as fast as they could. When the pandemonium ceased, Satan saw, to his surprise, that there remained one lone man, sitting in one of the back pews.

Satan glared down at him, "Do you know who I am?" Satan shouted.

"Oh yes," said the man.

"Do you realize that I am the embodiment of evil, the destroyer of all that is good, the author of pestilence the source of all chaos? Satan thundered, "I am the pinnacle of all the demons and trolls of hell !!!"

"I know," said the man.

"Then why are you still sitting here?? Satan demanded.

"I have been appealing my HMO's denial of services for my wife's heart surgery. I figured that it would get to your review level sooner or later."
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Tasharoo



Joined: 18 Feb 2009
Posts: 452

PostPosted: Sun Jan 10, 2010 5:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Biggest Squeeze

The Blue Crab Bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a pin stripe suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
No, said the little man, I'm a divorce attorney in Hollywood.
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Sassarina



Joined: 02 Aug 2007
Posts: 3037

PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 10:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
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Sassarina



Joined: 02 Aug 2007
Posts: 3037

PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 10:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called,
"come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech." my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,like
most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did,
lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . . . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

CONTINUED IN NEXT POST


Last edited by Sassarina on Mon Jan 11, 2010 10:18 am; edited 1 time in total
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Sassarina



Joined: 02 Aug 2007
Posts: 3037

PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 10:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . that . . .I'm
picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . ." She
gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car He was glad everything was going to
be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs.
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Sassarina



Joined: 02 Aug 2007
Posts: 3037

PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 10:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Subject: It Doesn't Pay to Lie

Final Exam

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry
and all of them had an "A" so far.

These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals,
they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a
great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday
and didn't make it back to State College until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final
they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that
they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a
result, they
missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up
the final the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test
booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool,
they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be
easy.... then they turned the page.

On the second page was written.... For 95 points:

Which tire? _________
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Sassarina



Joined: 02 Aug 2007
Posts: 3037

PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 10:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening,
customer service
being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for
February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
been
$0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a
call to
Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member:
"I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank:
"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still
apply."

Family Member:
"Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank:
"Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank:
"Either report her account to frauds division or report her to
the
credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member:
"Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this
part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member:
"Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her
being
dead?"

Citibank:
"Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
"I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank:
"The account was never closed and late fees and charges still
apply."
(This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member:
"You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank:
(Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member:
"No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank:
"Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member:
"Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank:
"Our system just isn't setup for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member:
"Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her.
I don't think she will care."

Citibank:
"Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member:
"Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank:
"That might help."

Family Member:
"Odessa Memorial Cemetery,
Highway 129,
Plot Number 69."

Citibank:
"Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member:
"What do you do with dead people on your planet?



note*** (Keep in mind i am from a very small town)When my Dad died I went into the bank to have his accounts closed and remaining funds transfered to the joint account he and my mother shared. The teller insisted that he needed to sign papers before this could happen.
I was visibly shaken; I held her face and spoke ever so slowly, , he is deceased.
Well, she said, he still needs to sign the paperwork, have him come in when he gets back.

I asked where her sign was?
I had to leave before i choked her; yes they do make people that dumb.
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Sassarina



Joined: 02 Aug 2007
Posts: 3037

PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 10:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

DRIVING


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came
to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough,the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other
woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'
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ykikamoocow



Joined: 23 Oct 2009
Posts: 106

PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 4:29 pm    Post subject: Re: Reply with quote

Sassarina, loved story and lizard, have'nt laugh that hard for a long time, thank you. Loved the others to.
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lunasea



Joined: 15 Jul 2009
Posts: 919

PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2010 8:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A few things I have tried when bored or just want to liven things up as I leave my mind on Saturn for a break..smile, roll your eyes or just walk away realizing Luna is in need of her meds..

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.( do not attempt the Barny theme this seems to erupt violence in young mothers)

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others!!
6.Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". Embarassed
7.Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
8.Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
9;Sniffle incessantly.
10.Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. then observe passer-bys facial expressions .. also the finger they choose to wave with..
11.Name your dog "Dog."
12.Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
and last but not least .........13. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaunt training''
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taokeema



Joined: 24 Nov 2008
Posts: 822

PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2010 6:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, lunasea, those were so good, my belly hurts! xoxo, tao
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Bengal_Cat



Joined: 13 Oct 2008
Posts: 9

PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2010 5:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."

"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"

The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"
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Bengal_Cat



Joined: 13 Oct 2008
Posts: 9

PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2010 6:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.

They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"
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Tasharoo



Joined: 18 Feb 2009
Posts: 452

PostPosted: Sun Jan 17, 2010 10:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who this guy is, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."
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Sassarina



Joined: 02 Aug 2007
Posts: 3037

PostPosted: Sun Jan 17, 2010 12:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Tele-marketer

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal,and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer".
Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling. The tele-marketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I
then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears", I then turned back to the phone and advised the
caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to
testify in this murder case. I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The tele-marketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into
custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My
meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.
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