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Good Clean Jokes (2) Have you had your laugh today?
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 1:29 pm    Post subject: Good Clean Jokes (2) Have you had your laugh today? Reply with quote

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I went back 5 pages and couldn't find the original good clean jokes post so I started a new one!!!

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Here goes (2 for one today Smile) :

Little Girl Walking Home From School

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

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Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 1:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Making Babies

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change the 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.

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Funny puns

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

* Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

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Punny Fun

* Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

* Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

* When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."
* A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

* He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

Shocked Very Happy Shocked Very Happy Shocked Very Happy Shocked Very Happy Shocked Very Happy Shocked Very Happy Shocked Very Happy Shocked Very Happy Shocked Very Happy Shocked


Last edited by CathieC on Tue Oct 04, 2011 1:43 am; edited 1 time in total
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Sun Oct 02, 2011 10:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

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Lawyers on a Plane

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2011 1:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

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The Best Gunfighter

Morris, as a young man in the Old West, wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So Morris walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man.

Young Morris did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The young Morris didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.

"No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "but, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's going to put that gun where the sun don't shine, and it won't hurt as much."

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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

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The Critical Barber

So the guy goes in to his barber. He's all excited, and says, "I'm going to go to Rome. I'm flying on Alitalia and staying at the Rome Hilton, and I'm going to see the Pope!"

The barber says, "Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you'll probably be standing in back of about ten thousand people."

So the guy goes to Rome. When he comes back and the barber says, "How was it?"

"Great," he says. "Alitalia was wonderful airline. The hotel was great. And I got to meet the Pope!"

"You met the Pope?" asked the barber.

"I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring."

"And what did he say?"

"He said, 'Where did you get that crummy haircut?'"

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Last edited by CathieC on Sun Oct 16, 2011 9:06 pm; edited 1 time in total
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 11:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

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Prison vs. Home

In prison, you get three square meals a day.

At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.

At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.

At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.

At home, you get to read weekly readers starring "four letter word", Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.

At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.

At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.

At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

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Home vs. Prison

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.

At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.

At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.

At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.

At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.

At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

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ConnieLea



Joined: 10 Dec 2008
Posts: 2620

PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 5:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU,CATHIEC,YOU GOT IT GOIN' ON WITH THE JOKES!!
THEY'ER ALL POSTED BY YOU AND THEY'ER ALL JUST TOO FUNNY!!
THANKS FOR SHARING THEM Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation

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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 7:26 pm    Post subject: Re: Reply with quote

ConnieLea wrote:
GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU,CATHIEC,YOU GOT IT GOIN' ON WITH THE JOKES!!
THEY'ER ALL POSTED BY YOU AND THEY'ER ALL JUST TOO FUNNY!!
THANKS FOR SHARING THEM Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation

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Thank You!! Glad you enjoy them...Smile Cat
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 1:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

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Foiled Carjacking

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!"

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman.

No charges were filed.

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The Seagull

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

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FriscoGirl



Joined: 01 Dec 2009
Posts: 1395

PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 2:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Cathie C!

I enjoy reading the jokes - am not very good with telling them.

One joke was reality to me.

My daughter is attending a private girls school when the county insisted that they teach sex education. The head master called the older girls in, wrote BABY on the chalkboard (not an expensive high tech school with whiteboards), crossed out the "Y" and then wrote "IES". He then told them that he had taught them how to make "babies". He relayed that information to the county and the county (unknowingly) accepted that as the sex education requirement.

I almost fell down laughing when my daughter told me what the head master had done.

It is so his style. By the way, he is an Ivy League lawyer and obviously finessed this. He has such an incredible sense of humor.
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2011 3:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That is just to funny Frisco!! Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2011 3:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

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At The Doctor's Office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2011 2:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

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Visiting a barber

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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She's new to football

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

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ConnieLea



Joined: 10 Dec 2008
Posts: 2620

PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2011 10:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

YOUR BLONDE JOKE REMINDED ME OF ONE THAT I PARTICULARLY LIKED....

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WORKING AT THE M&M FACTORY THAT GOT FIRED Question
SHE GOT FIRED FOR THROWING OUT THE " 'W's " Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation

APOLOGIES TO ALL BLONDES IN ADVANCE Exclamation Exclamation

BUT I JUST COULDN'T RESIST PASSING THIS ONE ON SINCE M&M's ARE MY FAVORITES Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation

HAPPY GAMING EVERYONE Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2011 9:05 pm    Post subject: Re: Reply with quote

ConnieLea wrote:
YOUR BLONDE JOKE REMINDED ME OF ONE THAT I PARTICULARLY LIKED....

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WORKING AT THE M&M FACTORY THAT GOT FIRED Question
SHE GOT FIRED FOR THROWING OUT THE " 'W's " Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation

APOLOGIES TO ALL BLONDES IN ADVANCE Exclamation Exclamation

BUT I JUST COULDN'T RESIST PASSING THIS ONE ON SINCE M&M's ARE MY FAVORITES Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation

HAPPY GAMING EVERYONE Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation



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