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The Importance of Laughter - Clean Jokes
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Sassarina



Joined: 02 Aug 2007
Posts: 3038

PostPosted: Sun Jan 17, 2010 12:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mujibar was trying to get into Canada legally through Immigration.

The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Canada."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes, 'green, green, green, green' and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works at Telus, perhaps you have spoken to him.
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Sassarina



Joined: 02 Aug 2007
Posts: 3038

PostPosted: Sun Jan 17, 2010 12:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Now that you have pondered a little, have yourself a great day!!!
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Sassarina



Joined: 02 Aug 2007
Posts: 3038

PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 11:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some laughs for you

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truck load of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

"four letter word" Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars,jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
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nghtstkr



Joined: 11 Jan 2010
Posts: 247

PostPosted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 1:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A horse walked into a bar. The bartender said"Why the long face?"

A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop.

Three guys ran into a bar, the fourth guy ducked.

A penguin walked into a bar and asked the bartender if he had seen his dad. The bartender said "What does he look like?" The penguin said "Just like me."

A penguin walks into a bar and orders some grapes. The bartender says"We don't have any grapes." So the penguin leaves. The next day the penguin walks into the same bar and orders grapes. The bartender says"We don't have any grapes." So the penguin leaves. The next day the penguin walks into the same bar and orders grapes. Angrily the bartender tells him "I've told you the last two days we don't have any grapes. If you come in here again and order grapes I'm going to nail your beak to the bar" The penguin leaves. The next day the penguin walks back into the bar and says"Do you have any nails?" the bartender says "No." So the penguin says "Do you have any grapes?"
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lunasea



Joined: 15 Jul 2009
Posts: 919

PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 12:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Theres 2 fish in a tank, and one says........

"How do u drive this thing?"
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nghtstkr



Joined: 11 Jan 2010
Posts: 247

PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 12:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There's two fish in a pond. One of them runs into something with his head. He said "dam"
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lunasea



Joined: 15 Jul 2009
Posts: 919

PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 12:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

Confused
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Tasharoo



Joined: 18 Feb 2009
Posts: 452

PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 3:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Thief and the Parrot

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice rang out again.

The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot
He asked the parrot, "Was that you wo said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot
named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus."
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MissMuffet



Joined: 30 Jun 2008
Posts: 200

PostPosted: Fri Jan 29, 2010 1:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A group of 40 years old buddies meet and
discuss where they willl
have dinner. Finally, after lengthy
discussion, they decide to go to the
Hofbrau restaurant because the waitresses are
the cutest in town
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group again meets
and again there is
much discussion about a place for dinner. Finally,
they agree to go to the Hofbrau because the food is very good and the
wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again
and once again there is much discussion about dinner. And
finally it is agreed to meet at
the Hofbrau because they can eat there in peace and
quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again -
same discussion. Finally, they decide go to the
Hofbrau because the restaurant is
wheel-chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets
again. Finally, they agree to eat at the Hofbrau because none
of them has ever been there before.

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Sassarina



Joined: 02 Aug 2007
Posts: 3038

PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Did you pass, or do you want the bed next to mine? Laughing
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Sassarina



Joined: 02 Aug 2007
Posts: 3038

PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 7:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Blond and the Hare



A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump
out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid
hitting it,but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay,the rabbit is dead.The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry. A beautiful blond woman driving down
the highway sees a man on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"! he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blond says,"Don't worry."She runs to her car and pulls out
a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves,
hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this
again and again and again,until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)

(You can still not read it)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)



(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray -Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
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Bengal_Cat



Joined: 13 Oct 2008
Posts: 9

PostPosted: Wed Feb 03, 2010 10:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

God and St. Francis Discussing Lawns

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there ? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds.

I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly . Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this . When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Sir. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber . It's a movie about ...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis
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taokeema



Joined: 24 Nov 2008
Posts: 822

PostPosted: Wed Feb 03, 2010 6:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bengal Cat, that was great!

Where I live drought is a real concern. We ripped out the lawn, and replaced it with plants that like our Mediterranean weather, and gravelled paths. When we rake leaves, they either go into the compost pile in the back garden, or they get distributed under our trees and shrubs for mulch. I trim perennials in 6 inch lengths that either get dropped right onto the ground to add to the mulch layer (depending on how conspicuous they are), or get carted out back to be composted.

Our neighbors probably hate us, but after years of not paying to have free mulch/compost carted off, our problematic heavy soil has become soft and friable.

I should print this joke out to hand to the landscape maintenance folks who knock on our door every season.

Thanks for the laugh!

tao
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lunasea



Joined: 15 Jul 2009
Posts: 919

PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 4:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Crying or Very sad
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taokeema



Joined: 24 Nov 2008
Posts: 822

PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 11:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

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