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Good Clean Jokes (2) Have you had your laugh today?
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2011 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How to Handle Teens

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace.
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2011 10:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Shark

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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ConnieLea



Joined: 10 Dec 2008
Posts: 3706

PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2011 4:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
YOU TICKLE MY FUNNY BONE Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2011 2:11 pm    Post subject: Re: Reply with quote

ConnieLea wrote:
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
YOU TICKLE MY FUNNY BONE Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing


Thank you ConnieLea, with all of the sadness and craziness going on in the world, I feel we all need something to put a smile or laughter in our lives...Smile Cat

Very Happy Laughing Laughing Very Happy Razz Laughing Very Happy Laughing Razz Laughing Very Happy Razz Laughing Very Happy Razz Laughing Very Happy Razz Laughing Very Happy Laughing
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2011 2:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

Texas

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

"Say, is this really a healthy place?"

"It sure is," the man replied.

"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

A Texan in Ballinclashett

A big Texan is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.

This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Liam, "Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want."

Liam says, "O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days."

"Hey, Boy," says the Texan, "Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine."

"I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im," says Liam.

The Texan is getting angry now. "Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now."

"Oh well," says Liam, "Two-thousand of your American dollars then."

"Deal!" says the Texan and he hands over the money, Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.

The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Liam and says, "Hey, Boy, you a durned swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!"

"I keep tellin' you he don't look too good," says Liam, "and you kept saying that's none of my business, so in the end I gave up."

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2012 11:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Kangaroo Fence

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Housework Challenged

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Auburn."

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Marriage and Men

- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.

- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home

- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face

- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.

- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.

- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.

- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.

- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.

- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.

- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

and lastly...

- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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ConnieLea



Joined: 10 Dec 2008
Posts: 3706

PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2012 7:34 am    Post subject: Re: Reply with quote

CathieC wrote:
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Kangaroo Fence

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Housework Challenged

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Auburn."

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Marriage and Men

- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.

- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home

- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face

- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.

- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.

- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.

- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.

- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.

- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.

- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

and lastly...

- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing



I ENJOYED EVERY ONE OF THESE QUIPS,EVEN HAD A CHUCKLE OR TWO......
LAUGHED OUT LOUD WHEN I GOT TO MARRIAGE AND MEN......
THEN I GOT TO THE LAST LINE......
I WOKE EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE UP WHEN I STARTED LAUGHING Laughing Laughing Exclamation Exclamation
WELL,,MAYBE I DIDN'T WAKE 'EM UP......BUT I DID JUST ABOUT FALL OFF MY CHAIR AND CHOKE ON MY DR.PEPPER,
AND I BET THAT WOULD HAVE WOKEN THEM UP Laughing Laughing Exclamation Exclamation


I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU COME UP WITH THESE,CATHIEC,BUT I SURE AM GLAD THAT I DISCOVERED THEM Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation

YOU KEEP 'EM COMING,GAL Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation


HAPPY GAMING Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation


Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 11:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you so much ConnieLea
I really APPRECIATE the KIND words!!! Smile


********************************************************************************************************************************

Kiss Per Yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

********************************************************************************************************************************

Heaven Bound

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

********************************************************************************************************************************

A Scots pessimist

A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.

********************************************************************************************************************************

A Preacher Buys a Parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

********************************************************************************************************************************


Last edited by CathieC on Mon Feb 20, 2012 11:28 pm; edited 1 time in total
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ConnieLea



Joined: 10 Dec 2008
Posts: 3706

PostPosted: Thu Jan 19, 2012 4:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

LOVED THE ONE ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOOR Exclamation Exclamation Laughing Laughing
Idea Idea SOUNDS JUST LIKE A KID Exclamation Exclamation


HAPPY HAPPY TO YA Exclamation Exclamation
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 11:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

In a Vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

What Would Freud Say About These Places?

- Climax, Michigan
- Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
- Needmore, Arkansas
- Hardup, Utah
- Intercourse, Pennsylvania
- Hornytown, North Carolina
- Conception Junction, Missouri

Embarassed
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Jindog



Joined: 20 May 2009
Posts: 2210

PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 1:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CathieC, I can honestly say that I can imagine how and why one of those towns mentioned got its name, but I am having a hard time with wondering what they were thinking with "Hornytown". I wonder if it is anywhere near Ft. Bragg by chance? Those soldiers always have something in their pants.Wink Wink Wink
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Sun Mar 04, 2012 11:09 pm    Post subject: Re: Reply with quote

Jindog wrote:
CathieC, I can honestly say that I can imagine how and why one of those towns mentioned got its name, but I am having a hard time with wondering what they were thinking with "Hornytown". I wonder if it is anywhere near Ft. Bragg by chance? Those soldiers always have something in their pants.Wink Wink Wink

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LMAO... Imagine a little kid that has just moved to another town,
going to a new school and front of the whole class the teacher asking him where did he move from, and him trying to tell them he moved from anyone of the a fore mentioned places? Smile
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CathieC



Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 269

PostPosted: Sun Mar 04, 2012 11:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

1957...Remember?

The following were some comments made in the year 1957:

(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."

(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one."

(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

(6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

(Cool "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either 'hell' or 'damn' in it."

(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."

(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

(12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

(14) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

(15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

(16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress."

(17) "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

(1Cool "I guess taking a vacation is out of the question now days. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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LuBoo



Joined: 01 Jul 2009
Posts: 834

PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 2:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CATHIE C - LOVE YOUR JOKES; I ALWAYS ENJOY A GOOD FUNNY

NOW HERE'S ONE FOR YOU - YOU DIDN'T NEED TO GO BACK 5 PAGES TO FIND THE ORIGINAL JOKE THREAD IT IS ABOUT 1/3 DOWN ON THE FIRST PAGE UNDER THE TITLE "IMPORTANCE OF LAUGHTER". I KNEW YOU WOULD GET A KICK OUT OF THIS SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE ONE TERRIFIC SENSE OF HUMOR - THANKS FOR THE LAUGHTER. KEEP THEM COMING UNDER WHICH EVER THREAD YOU USE (LOL)
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elcelcpa



Joined: 19 Jun 2006
Posts: 1184

PostPosted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 7:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

..

Last edited by elcelcpa on Tue Aug 20, 2013 7:51 pm; edited 1 time in total
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