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The Importance of Laughter - Clean Jokes
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arcade-junkie



Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Posts: 2

PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2011 6:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was funny... keep them coming

http://playmyarcadegames.com/

Laughing
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LuBoo



Joined: 01 Jul 2009
Posts: 834

PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2011 11:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

THE TWO LETTER WORD
I never knew one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!
Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
U
P!
Did that one crack you UP?
Now I'll shut UP!
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LucMisUndastood



Joined: 25 Apr 2011
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Mon May 02, 2011 10:01 pm    Post subject: Crack me up Reply with quote

Hey I'm a newb and just came across this site anyway that was so funny... had me in tears of laughter...
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PETUNIA77



Joined: 18 Mar 2009
Posts: 1408

PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2011 1:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

WELCOME, LUCMISUNDASTOOD!!! Very Happy
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LuBoo



Joined: 01 Jul 2009
Posts: 834

PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2011 2:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

LucMisUndastood - WELCOME TO OUR FORUM, PLEASE JOIN US - WHEN YOU FIND SOMETHING FUNNY JUST PUT IT RIGHT HERE SO WE CAN ALL ENJOY A GOOD LAUGH.
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PCJuli



Joined: 20 Jul 2008
Posts: 504

PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 1:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

NEW BOYFRIENDS!!! Cool

I am seeing 5 gentlemen (give or take) every day! Smile

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along,
& when he's here, he takes up a lot of my time & attention. Rolling Eyes

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day.
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired & very glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life!
Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer; or whatever his name is. I forget!

and I'm thinking of calling JACK DANIELS, JIM BEAM, JOSE QUERVO or JOHNNY WALKER to come over and keep me company. Wink
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Tasharoo



Joined: 18 Feb 2009
Posts: 452

PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2011 11:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

English Lesson

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the
two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. I beg to differ because, there is :

When you marry the right spouse, you are "COMPLETE".

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!
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Tasharoo



Joined: 18 Feb 2009
Posts: 452

PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2011 12:09 pm    Post subject: WC Newbees - Plz keep this place CRAZY - Doctor's Orders ! Reply with quote

I remember when,I remember I remember when I lost my mind ..There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions had an echo ..In so much space..And when you're out there
Without care...Yeah, I was out of touch ..But it wasn't because I didn't know enough....I just knew too much

Mmm!..Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Probably ....And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice

Mmmm....Come on now, who do you....Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control?

Well,..I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy....Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb....And all I remember is thinking, I wanna be like them...Mhmmmm
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun.....And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done
But maybe I'm crazy ....Maybe you're crazy....Maybe we're crazy[img]Maybe you're crazyMaybe we're crazy
Probably
...Crazy By Gnarls Bartley : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe50
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taokeema



Joined: 24 Nov 2008
Posts: 822

PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 6:22 pm    Post subject: Geeky one-liner Reply with quote

I used to drive a Heisenberg, but whenever I read the speedometer, I'd get lost.
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LuBoo



Joined: 01 Jul 2009
Posts: 834

PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 12:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

TASHROO, WELCOME BACK TO THE FORUM - LOVED YOUR JOKE AND YOUR SONG. REMINDED ME OF THE GOOD OLE DAYS!
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Jindog



Joined: 20 May 2009
Posts: 2210

PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 5:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As seen tonight in an on-line zine.
In the early years of the Cold War, in an effort to simplify -- and parody -- various political ideologies and philosophies, irreverent wits, in the spirit of George Orwell, went back to the farm. No one really knows how the two-cow joke known as "Parable of the Isms" came about, but most students of Political Science 101 have likely come across some variation of the following definitions:

Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbor.

Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

Nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes the cows.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Over the years, the parables gradually expanded, using the two-cow joke to explain everything from French unions (You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.) to the Republican Party (You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?).
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elcelcpa



Joined: 19 Jun 2006
Posts: 1167

PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 4:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN... Rolling Eyes


Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.



I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.



I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.







Husband's Diary:



Boat wouldn't start this morning, can't figure it out.
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rouge



Joined: 13 Feb 2007
Posts: 58

PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2011 3:09 pm    Post subject: Re: Reply with quote

elcelcpa wrote:
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN... Rolling Eyes


Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.



I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.



I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.







Husband's Diary:



Boat wouldn't start this morning, can't figure it out.



Fabulous! That made my husband and me laugh so much!
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PCJuli



Joined: 20 Jul 2008
Posts: 504

PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 2:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

New technology at COSTCO:

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."


That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!


Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
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Jindog



Joined: 20 May 2009
Posts: 2210

PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2011 4:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The following breeds have been created by puppy mills:

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Oh, never mind....
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